Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
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It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
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You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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