I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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