I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
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A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
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I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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