I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
