i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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