My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
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