In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
