The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
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Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
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I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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