i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.