We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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