this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
