i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
