So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
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Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
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Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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