Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
