Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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