My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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