I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
