Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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