I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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