I have demons in me.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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