none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
whose parrot is this?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
