You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
