I skipped work to stalk him.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
