I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
