where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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