If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
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