Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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