hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
