the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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