I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
