i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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