nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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