i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
