i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
