When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
