can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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