i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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