I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
