i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
