someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
