After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
