I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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