I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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