Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
