I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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