dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Randomize
