You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
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But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
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I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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