i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
