I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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