somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
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I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
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Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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