Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
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better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
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And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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