Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
