I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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